What Are Your Strengths?

I am nothing if not loyal.

I haven't been to church in about 2 months, and believe it or not... this gives me an A in the department of loyalty.

Now a statement like that does need explanation, so I shall now explain:

I've spent the last four years of my life waiting for the WRONG guy.

I'd started praying that a singles group might be started at my church, and (quicker than I expected) a singles group was started at my church. I'd prayed very specifically that I'd soon be introduced to the man that I was supposed to marry. Long story very very short....I was wrong. This particular "wrong" came with a lot of personal hurt, a wandering mind, several lessons about avoiding temptation, and several feelings that I was unsure how to work through. Most of my battle has come from letting go of the "dream" that had to die. There are times when you KNOW God is working in your life. Then there are times when you KNOW he's working, but even so, you stand there, preplexed, while everything shatters (anyway). This was one of THOSE times.

I now find myself needing some time to regroup and get re-acquainted with myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I kept a lot of things bottled up, and by the time I began to really deal with my isssues, a lot of resentment had grown. I've now been giving myself some time to have my own feelings and know that they are okay, while truly letting myself accept that what I had thought was going to be...is not. Initially, I had not done this for myself. I kept showing up at church like clockwork, and giving hugs and pasting a smile on my face.

But as I said, honesty isa must with me, so, I know I need to live it out. As a result, I've not been to church in the las two months. A person simply needs to recover when they've been confused so long. However, my attitude is thus:
If I can wait four years for the WRONG guy, when it comes to the RIGHT guy... well, you get the idea. A couple days ago, I was writing my feelings on the subject and (Unexpectedly) came up with a poem.

Just ME

I am passionate and sensitive, and speak my mind.
Sometimes I hush, when I think my words would hurt;
but every time I've done that, the time would again show for me to speak my mind:
"This is who I am."

Feel things with everything you have. That's me!
I know no other way.
I must wring things out till there's no moisture left
because I've tasted every drop...
For which, some have been unhappy
with me; my temperment gets in their way.
My intention is not to dismay anyone,
but I must speak my mind.

I only want to find peace, but stir things up...
I did it again, I know.
But it's not me...I'm only being who I already am.
No pretense, no fake.
For goodness sake, I won't lie to you.
That wouldn't be fair, right?
What can I do but be sincere?
It's hard when the "wounds of a friend" won't
let you pretend.
Would you like me to "kiss your cheek," and
sweep all under the rug?

I can't. I won't. How does that help when God
can see through the coating of sugar and spice and
everything nice?
My weakness is dwelling on what cannot be changed-- yes.
But I can't sell you some story that "I'm fine," and then
guess what is truth.
Let's reason if we can, knowing we have not lied,
leaving integrity where Christ already died.
Why should we?

But if I must leave behind my hopes deferred
to cope with this stroke of events,
then lets ajourn.
I cannot water this down, and cottle an
infant sucking a bottle.
I must know the truth and grow.
If here, I cannot do that, then somewhere else
I must go.

I am passionate and speak my mind.
The show I've put on is over.
Behind the mask is me.
But I can breathe...thank God!
Why did I wait so long, to let smell of hate fill the air?
I can't lie... that isn't fair, right?

God help me when someones feelings I cannot spare.
I am passionate and speak my mind.

CES 2011


So, I think you see now that I am nothing if not loyal...NOT perfect,
but loyal.