The Cloaked Figure...

When Jane Fonda wrote her book about her life and family, and famous father, it was yet another book that I did not finish. This is not because the book is not good. I love the book...my mind, just switches between passions a lot, and I become weary of one subject, no matter how amazing, and I need to switch to another...and I often forget to return to my original interest. But, what I did read of it, I remember vividly. Jane spoke of the memory of her and her mother catching butterflies in a jar. Again, butterflies had significance in my life, as they have with dissevering Opal Whitely, and with the collection of real butterflies I found in a drawer in my great grandmother's hutch, or with the Michael Jackson song... Anyway, here was another example of these delicate winged creature. Fonda said that this was one of the only memories she had of her biological mother. I think she remembered it as being one of the only times she ever saw her mother happy.

Fonda described her mother as being distant, and not easy to talk to or figure out. She seemed to obediently try to make everything okay for her family, but was unable to really reach the happiness she tried so diligently to put together. I guess the next memory Jane has of her mother was when she learned that her parents were getting divorced (Maybe that's just the next thing I remember about the book). She said her mother came into the bedroom and lifted up her pajama top. She had just had surgery, and the muscles in her stomach had been noticeably affected.

"Your father isn't attracted to me anymore...he want's a divorce."

When she lifted her top up, an impressionable ittle girl saw why her father was rejecting her mother.

"See?, She said (her mother)... It's all gone."... Referring to the muscles no longer there and the distorted shape.

Jane said that it was then that she made up her mind, that no man would ever reject her in the way that her mother was rejected by her father. From then on, she did everything possible to obtain physical perfection... perfect body, hair, teeth. She became obsessed with body image and developed an eating disorder. Anyone who's seen her movies, has seen that beautiful physical frame and features...but who could've known the deep anguish attached to the image? Fonda also speaks about an amazing encounter she had with legendary actress Greta Garbo. Fonda was still just a young child, and her father Henry was remarried. I believe the story was, she had been at a party, at which many celebrities were in attendance (Garbo included). Jane said that she was lonely there and that no one else had really paid any attention to her, but that Greta Garbo took Jane by the hand and asked her if she'd like to go swimming with her. The house they were in was on the beach. Garbo was wearing a long robe and she walked with Jane on the beach until they came to a secluded place with a cliff overlooking the water. She says Garbo stepped out onto the cliff and removed her robe. Jane describes seeing all of this remarkable woman's features... Her waist, shoulders, hips and breasts. They were normal. They were healthy and gorgeous... not cut or deformed or sickly looking, and the little girl was able to see that here was a woman, quite comfortable in her own skin. But she also was not movie star skinny. Garbo had a noticeable belly. She dove, naked, straight into the water.

As I read this, I sat there with my mouth dropped... but not for the reasons you might think....

Okay, in one sentence:

A gorgeous woman strolled down the beach after dark, removed all her clothes in front of a child and dove into the ocean.


I really don't believe that many people would do this. Seems we're all so busy either being guarded and protected in the wrong ways, or we're exposing too much ,and in the wrong ways. Seems when our daughters need their mothers to be proud of who they are (the mothers) so that they have an empowering example of body image, mothers are telling themselves that they are fat and ugly, or "less than" because they are not skinny. Maybe they are telling their children that their father wants a divorce because he's no longer attracted to them. Flip the coin, and you have the other end of the spectrum where the movie industry is obsessed with what it sees as the perfect physical shape, and broadcasting it everywhere! I mean, here Jane was conquering an industry that would not be accepting of anything less than physical perfection. So it seems to me that she cloaked all of her starving herself and pressed on. Maybe Jane's mother did that too. I don't know that she ever starved herself, but maybe she always cloaked how she really felt and pressed on.

Maybe for Jane, seeing Greta Garbo disrobe was the first time the "cloak" came off. I don't mean this just literally. I know... all you can think about is "Why the hell would she do that?" Right? Either that, or you can't stop picturing Garbo's naked body, right? That is not the point. I do not believe that Greta Garbo did what she did that night to gain any attention or get anyone to notice her. (you have to remember, they went to a secluded spot to begin with). But neither was she worried or concerned about herself, or the child with her. At that moment, a terrified little girl just wanting to be safe, saw someone who thought nothing at all of doing something Jane had been taught to be completely ashamed of (If it wasn't perfect). Garbo worried about no such imperfections, and that night, on the beach, she was comfortable enough with herself to show it...in every way.

As to Mr. Henry Fonda, when I read his cold, lack of reasoning and lack of discussion for wanting a divorce, all I could think was: "you son of a bitch!". I remember being so flipping angry! Where does a man get off asking his wife for a divorce because part of her her body has changed? I remember thinking; " How shallow can you be, you pig! It's not as though it was her fault!". And then to not even allow her to talk about it or express her feelings! That had to tear her up like something she could not explain. (Bad pun, I know, but still...). So, all this has me wondering what really makes a woman attractive to a man...for the RIGHT reasons, I mean.. not the stupid, superficial ones... the one's that were keeping poor Jane starving herself!

What in the world seemed to keep Henry Fonda unwilling to love his wife? Why was there (apparently) no empathy there? Poor thing! What was she supposed to do? This baffles me even now. My first thought was that it was sheer selfishness... but could fear and a change in intimacy be so chronic that it causes someone to completely shut someone out? This is what I'm arras of... being shut out...in some horrible way that I don't see coming for some unexpected reason.

So maybe all the talk about butterflies at the beginning had to do with renewal and hope. When you really love someone, decide that you will keep seeing them in new ways. Take a new picture, adjust the tuning, try a new translation. (Okay, I borrowed that from Carly Simon). Anyway, just below the surface of an unsure situation, there are always little embers of change. I think the right attitude can spark fireworks... but this can't happen if we give up altogether!

What do YOU want to do?

Dolores Hart: beautiful actress of the sixties probably most famous for playing Merit Andrews in "Where the Boys Are" (1960). I have her autograph. But it is not just an autograph. Mother Dolores Hart wrote me a letter and signed her name, as is customary for anyone writing a letter to do. But the story behind it has become a treasured life event for me.

I'm not exactly sure what prompted me to write to her. I'd heard that Mother Dolores Hart would be making an appearance at the 2011 Oscars. HBO actually filmed a documentary about the famous actress now famous for having become a nun, in which her Oscar appearance was highlighted. No fancy evening dress, no immaculate hair, just the simple habbit of a nun. She was incredibly brave to me! Here she was in Hollywood, on the red carpet, right in the middle of every celebrity you could ever imagine...wading a nun's garb of black and white. Not many people would do that. In fact, who else would even have the very unique position of attending the Oscars as a lady of the cloth. (am I allowed to say that... lady of the cloth? :). I'd seen a documentary on her sometime back. Apparently, The Abbey of Regina Laudis in Bethlehem Connecticut (Yes, Bethlehem), is unique, in that it is the only abbey that has it's own theater. ""Where the Boys Are" co-star Paula Prentess came to visit her good friend and Mother Delores went for a ride in Paula's convertible, her habit flying behind her in the wind.

I so admired her then because I'd seen her portrayal of Merit. Merit really is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. I remember thinking "you go girl!" when she said the line "What could be more interpersonal than backseat bingo?". Who could imagine a teacher of an Interpersonal Communication class asking what "making out" means? Anyway, Merit's direct, matter of fact answer proves she is a level headed, no nonsense, good girl, who looked out for herself.

I suppose I was lonely, but I really wanted someone to pray for me. I decided to write to her. I looked up the abbey and decided to do a little research on her. This research alone was a sweet journey for me. Dolores was the actress famous for being kissed by Elvis. She had a thriving career and was happily engaged. A friend invited her to stay at the abbey temporarily for a much needed break. By the end of her stay there, the journey of Dolores Hart had taken a completely different direction. I think at the time, I'd wanted my life to take a different direction. Looking back, my life overflowed with opportunities to thank God for, but I felt stuck... trapped... like I couldn't move. I think I just needed some reassurance that we all go through things like this. Anyway, I took pen to paper, and I told (one of my favorite actresses) my story. I sent the letter off, just so amazed that I'd just written to one of my favorite people. (What an honor!) I actually was not expecting Mother Dolores to write me back. But one day, I received an envelope which said: Abbey of Regina Laudis on top. The letter was indeed from Mother Dolores Hart. She thanked me for the letter, and warmly assured me that the sisters at the abbey would be praying for me!! Imagine her taking the time to write me back! I could not believe it, I was flabbergasted! (There's a word I don't often use!).

I carry her letter with me to this day! In doing my research on Mother Dolores, I came across a lecture she gave to a group of college students somewhere on the east coast. In it, she explained the events that led up to her living in the abbey permanently. She said her fiancee at the time could tell she was not happy with her life and urged her to get on a plane to revisit the abbey and "see what was bothering her.". Dolores did. And she sat in the Reverend Mother's office weeping... saying she only wanted to know what God's will was. "What do you want to do?" The Reverend Mother asked her. "I want to do God's will," she replied. "God knows very well what his will is; I'm asking you what you want to do," said the Reverend Mother. It was then that Dolores finally knew she was going to stay. I'll never forget this very direct question. God's will is so good for us... but at times the process of knowing it is so life changing that we deny what he's telling us. The journey we walk when we live radically for Him, causes us to walk away from things we thought we could never live without, so we can walk into a destiny created for us, so perfectly suited to who we are, that we could never have imagined it!!

Never looking Back....

Ever wish you could just get in the car and drive, and just keep goin' and never look back? I do all the time.b. Sometimes I imagine I'm Mary in the song "Thunder Road": "Mary climb in... It's a town full a losers and I'm pullin' outta here!" I'm looking at this patch work purse I bought... all the colors looking like a textile collage. I didn't make it myself, but that's the beauty of it: Somebody who really knows what they are doing made it, and it's gorgeous! I just had the eye to see it and buy it. :) I sit around and watch movies a lot and let the wind blow on my face and listen to wind chimes. That has been my afternoon, well aside from making some homemade tortilla chips. I forgot to buy some at the grocery store, so when we got home, I made them myself. Hey I found this really awesome recipe for bean dip, I have to have some chips to go with it. I was thinking if I were ever brave enough to get a tattoo, it should be a butterfly. Course, I always wanted it to be "Beatles.". That was the first tattoo I wanted. I just don't know that I want anyone using a needle, embedding ink into my skin. I took a slot of guts for me to even get my ears pierced. There's so much I wanna write about, and sometimes I go and go, but sometimes my mind just kinda goes blank. I'm smelling onions frying, which means dinner will be soon. Very nice :)