I have given my creator permission to withhold marriage from me as long as He wants to. He's G-d...he does not need PERMISSION for anything, mind you; however, I gave it to Him all the same.
I still do not know how to walk through troubles gracefully...nor have I been truly willing to learn. I still want my father to clear the path, and take away every trouble possible and just let me get married already. Period. I still have this fantasy (way deep down) that if I get married, somehow this will remedy certain difficulties I may be having now. This is not true at all. But for years, I never really believed this. I would say it over and over again...because I knew those words just "fit" there oh so wonderfully...but I did not believe it...
I was contemplating a while back why I never had any kids. I told a friend last week that the one person I ever dreamed of having a family with...did not work out. After that, I never got to feeling that way about anyone else, and I panicked several times over the years, truly wondering whether something was the matter with me. Why couldn't I just get over it? Why couldn't I just get on with my life? I did not know...and even today, I still don't. But I do know this: my heart was really broken when I was very young...and my Daddy has been protecting me from further hurt. I've been fighting Him on this...all the way! That's why my singleness has been so long. It's true...I have begged, pleaded, cried, bargained, thrown my Bible across the room...watched myself become worn out, and then given in.
I've said "Okay Lord, have your way with me," while my fingers were crossed behind my back. I've lied to G-d and to everyone, saying I was fine with myself...while the "knife" went in deeper, reminding me that I missed the one I wanted originally. I would try desperately to wipe the slate clean, and move on... "That was then, this is now," I would tell myself. Nothing worked. Meanwhile, tick, tick tick went the clock. I would be still for (not even) as long as I could stand it, and then go berserk again with my Creator: "Why are you DOING this to me??". He's been keeping me from further hurt. Whether I would admit it or not. All the comparisons in the world won't help...the ones I make to others who are granted the dream I wanted while I remain alone. Yes, G-d is with me...but he knows I want someone with skin on.
So I've perfected every answer to the singleness argument, carefully combating anything anyone would say to me to get me to be happy with my current state...feeling the rush of excitement again, that something may be different tomorrow...finding myself alone, and screaming at my Creator again: "Why are you doing this to ME??". No, my heart was broken and I was terribly hurt...though the person was long gone from my life. Never did I want to admit that I was still drowning in something the world said I should've been long over. So I would get up...sadness gushing out, and try to paper mâché a happiness I knew would not last...but I would kid myself. And tick, tick, tick went the clock.
I've become a BRAT with a sense of entitlement...and I've said it was all G-d's fault. He did this to me...so He'd better hurry up and fix it, right? Wrong. Time out. My heart was really broken...and he's been sparing me further hurt. The knife that was left, only made me miserable with myself...so any relationship I BEGGED Him to give me would've made no difference. Meanwhile, tick, tick, tick goes the clock...and any little thing that happens to me...I only want Him to remove: "Take it away, Zi've been through enough." I thought I knew that He never said he'd spare me from trouble...but I have not behaved like it. God in his great mercy has spared me so much, and I've not appreciated it or cared. This is what happens when I try to be tough.
Talk to a person all you want about "surrender," but until they're ready, this does not work. So, my Creator, has let me inch my up, and inch my way up, and fall...and see Him holding out his hand to me...even when I was raging mad: "Get up, little butterfly, you can do it.". Somewhere the light began to break through, and something inside began to turn... What was I waiting for anyway? That day when I would enter into wedded bliss and all would be fixed? Yes...I was! But how stupid is this?...and I KNEW better, so I thought. So this truth stayed locked up inside. No one must ever know that I was that naive!
My Creator has been giving me nothing but Himself...uninterrupted. I have been throwing this away with both hands and demanding that He do what I want. Smart? Not at all. Marriage is a mystery and it is HARD...and to think that it will fix me, make me normal, or take away my problems is insane. I will always be a single person who must stare herself in the face, whether I am married or not. We cannot escape ourselves. But, married or not...trouble in the life of a Believer should never be an afterthought! I need to familiarize myself with it, and anticipate that it WILL come...everyday...I will be moving from storm to storm. All this time, I've been expecting that I would not, or should not...because I wanted the path clear...For marriage! Time out.
No "step by step" for me...I decided I'd been through enough and wanted it all wiped out! What in the WORLD do I think this is??...My sense of entitlement has been choking me. All this, and my Father has loved me all the same. I should never think of marriage as, "Oh, if only...". This will never work. Until I can go through hardships willingly I have no business begging G-d to plunge me into them head first! No. Grown up, this is certainly not. What right do I have to demand my own way? Besides, I'm getting to like myself! G-d, take your time, I'll wait.
