I was just complaining to my mother about the amount of responses I don't seem to receive on Facebook anymore. Hate to have to admit it, but I think I'm addicted to three things: Facebook, Twitter... and other people's approval. (I'm addicted to Frito boats too, but that's another thing entirely). Did I mention I tend to get angry and stew in it for days? (Nobody else does that, right?) I don't take criticism very well, because it's difficulr for me to think of any of of it as being "constructive." I think the "Blanket reaction" is just to believe that there is something wrong with me as a person... and call it a day.
I'm getting better though: for a while I majored in theatre, and had to learn to let my instructors and fellow students "criticize" my work. Good thing...I needed it. How could I have gotten better otherwise? I'm usually afraid that something will go wrong. Sometimes it does... and sometimes it doesn't. I'd say "anxiety" s the word. We tend to create what we fear, right? I believe this (I also hate it) but I can't seem to stop doing it. :) I don't tend to be very phyically active, and I'm not much of a joiner.
(Later)
I wish I could work with those horses like Fergie got to do. She was ALLOWED to help them trust her because she got to use her own instincts rather than somebody else trying to control her with their instincts or thier protocol or their ideas about how they think things should be. I don't feel that I've ever truly been able to do that. ButI'm just like Fergie, I have this all or nothing mentality. I'm either trying to give it ALL and over correcting everything, or I have completely backed away from everything, and have to "gently" stick my foot back in the water. I wish I could work with horses like that, or stand out in the middle of the desert and scream, or, learn how to shoot a gun, maybe. I've never truly been able to cross the threshold of "You can do this yourself now;" and it's kept me chained up for too long.
I'm purposely too hard on myself, because then that way, I have no place else to go but UP. I try to avoid the sinking heart that can come with any kind of "rejection," but eventually, I have to deal with it anyway. So why avoid it? (But I do) :) I also concentrate on my weaknesses more than my strengths (can you tell? :) The downer is that "Out of the mouth comes that which fills the heart." So, if I''m focusing on my weaknesses... uh--OH :)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
What Are Your Strengths?
I am nothing if not loyal.
I haven't been to church in about 2 months, and believe it or not... this gives me an A in the department of loyalty.
Now a statement like that does need explanation, so I shall now explain:
I've spent the last four years of my life waiting for the WRONG guy.
I'd started praying that a singles group might be started at my church, and (quicker than I expected) a singles group was started at my church. I'd prayed very specifically that I'd soon be introduced to the man that I was supposed to marry. Long story very very short....I was wrong. This particular "wrong" came with a lot of personal hurt, a wandering mind, several lessons about avoiding temptation, and several feelings that I was unsure how to work through. Most of my battle has come from letting go of the "dream" that had to die. There are times when you KNOW God is working in your life. Then there are times when you KNOW he's working, but even so, you stand there, preplexed, while everything shatters (anyway). This was one of THOSE times.
I now find myself needing some time to regroup and get re-acquainted with myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I kept a lot of things bottled up, and by the time I began to really deal with my isssues, a lot of resentment had grown. I've now been giving myself some time to have my own feelings and know that they are okay, while truly letting myself accept that what I had thought was going to be...is not. Initially, I had not done this for myself. I kept showing up at church like clockwork, and giving hugs and pasting a smile on my face.
But as I said, honesty isa must with me, so, I know I need to live it out. As a result, I've not been to church in the las two months. A person simply needs to recover when they've been confused so long. However, my attitude is thus:
If I can wait four years for the WRONG guy, when it comes to the RIGHT guy... well, you get the idea. A couple days ago, I was writing my feelings on the subject and (Unexpectedly) came up with a poem.
Just ME
I am passionate and sensitive, and speak my mind.
Sometimes I hush, when I think my words would hurt;
but every time I've done that, the time would again show for me to speak my mind:
"This is who I am."
Feel things with everything you have. That's me!
I know no other way.
I must wring things out till there's no moisture left
because I've tasted every drop...
For which, some have been unhappy
with me; my temperment gets in their way.
My intention is not to dismay anyone,
but I must speak my mind.
I only want to find peace, but stir things up...
I did it again, I know.
But it's not me...I'm only being who I already am.
No pretense, no fake.
For goodness sake, I won't lie to you.
That wouldn't be fair, right?
What can I do but be sincere?
It's hard when the "wounds of a friend" won't
let you pretend.
Would you like me to "kiss your cheek," and
sweep all under the rug?
I can't. I won't. How does that help when God
can see through the coating of sugar and spice and
everything nice?
My weakness is dwelling on what cannot be changed-- yes.
But I can't sell you some story that "I'm fine," and then
guess what is truth.
Let's reason if we can, knowing we have not lied,
leaving integrity where Christ already died.
Why should we?
But if I must leave behind my hopes deferred
to cope with this stroke of events,
then lets ajourn.
I cannot water this down, and cottle an
infant sucking a bottle.
I must know the truth and grow.
If here, I cannot do that, then somewhere else
I must go.
I am passionate and speak my mind.
The show I've put on is over.
Behind the mask is me.
But I can breathe...thank God!
Why did I wait so long, to let smell of hate fill the air?
I can't lie... that isn't fair, right?
God help me when someones feelings I cannot spare.
I am passionate and speak my mind.
CES 2011
So, I think you see now that I am nothing if not loyal...NOT perfect,
but loyal.
I haven't been to church in about 2 months, and believe it or not... this gives me an A in the department of loyalty.
Now a statement like that does need explanation, so I shall now explain:
I've spent the last four years of my life waiting for the WRONG guy.
I'd started praying that a singles group might be started at my church, and (quicker than I expected) a singles group was started at my church. I'd prayed very specifically that I'd soon be introduced to the man that I was supposed to marry. Long story very very short....I was wrong. This particular "wrong" came with a lot of personal hurt, a wandering mind, several lessons about avoiding temptation, and several feelings that I was unsure how to work through. Most of my battle has come from letting go of the "dream" that had to die. There are times when you KNOW God is working in your life. Then there are times when you KNOW he's working, but even so, you stand there, preplexed, while everything shatters (anyway). This was one of THOSE times.
I now find myself needing some time to regroup and get re-acquainted with myself. As much as I hate to admit it, I kept a lot of things bottled up, and by the time I began to really deal with my isssues, a lot of resentment had grown. I've now been giving myself some time to have my own feelings and know that they are okay, while truly letting myself accept that what I had thought was going to be...is not. Initially, I had not done this for myself. I kept showing up at church like clockwork, and giving hugs and pasting a smile on my face.
But as I said, honesty isa must with me, so, I know I need to live it out. As a result, I've not been to church in the las two months. A person simply needs to recover when they've been confused so long. However, my attitude is thus:
If I can wait four years for the WRONG guy, when it comes to the RIGHT guy... well, you get the idea. A couple days ago, I was writing my feelings on the subject and (Unexpectedly) came up with a poem.
Just ME
I am passionate and sensitive, and speak my mind.
Sometimes I hush, when I think my words would hurt;
but every time I've done that, the time would again show for me to speak my mind:
"This is who I am."
Feel things with everything you have. That's me!
I know no other way.
I must wring things out till there's no moisture left
because I've tasted every drop...
For which, some have been unhappy
with me; my temperment gets in their way.
My intention is not to dismay anyone,
but I must speak my mind.
I only want to find peace, but stir things up...
I did it again, I know.
But it's not me...I'm only being who I already am.
No pretense, no fake.
For goodness sake, I won't lie to you.
That wouldn't be fair, right?
What can I do but be sincere?
It's hard when the "wounds of a friend" won't
let you pretend.
Would you like me to "kiss your cheek," and
sweep all under the rug?
I can't. I won't. How does that help when God
can see through the coating of sugar and spice and
everything nice?
My weakness is dwelling on what cannot be changed-- yes.
But I can't sell you some story that "I'm fine," and then
guess what is truth.
Let's reason if we can, knowing we have not lied,
leaving integrity where Christ already died.
Why should we?
But if I must leave behind my hopes deferred
to cope with this stroke of events,
then lets ajourn.
I cannot water this down, and cottle an
infant sucking a bottle.
I must know the truth and grow.
If here, I cannot do that, then somewhere else
I must go.
I am passionate and speak my mind.
The show I've put on is over.
Behind the mask is me.
But I can breathe...thank God!
Why did I wait so long, to let smell of hate fill the air?
I can't lie... that isn't fair, right?
God help me when someones feelings I cannot spare.
I am passionate and speak my mind.
CES 2011
So, I think you see now that I am nothing if not loyal...NOT perfect,
but loyal.
My Profile (No Eharmony Required)
This is who I am... plain and simple; but on the other hand, perhaps it isn't. I say that becase I have three other blogs on this site that all attempt to explain who I am, and here I am creating another one; (what, the three that I have are not sufficient?)
But I look at it like this: I have plenty of "sufficiency," as well as plenty of interests... hence the three, and now four blogs. I could tell you that I'm five foot nine with brown eyes and short, red hair (hair that' been dyed just about every shade of red that there is) and I like it that way. But why should I tell you that? You were looking for a blonde model with blue eyes? OOPPS! You wanted somebody with long hair? Dude, where I live, it's 110 in the summer time, easy. Short hair is just a matter of praticality. I try to live with a lot of that...practicality. It's very important. Besides, I believe it shows that a person has skill...wherever else they may be "lacking."
I have "kissed dating goodbye"... and found that it has not worked. I remember when Joshua Harris came out with his groundbreaking book that the media (of course) gave him so much so much flack for. Did I just say that twice? Yeah? Oh well, get used to it. Anyway, "not dating" HAS removed a lot of anxiety from my life. Good Thing. I like simplicity... largely because I tend to make simple things complicated. If my honesty irritates you, you may want to stop reading NOW :)
This is not something I'm afraid of, I just know that I need to accept the given fact. I tend to make simple things complicated and so, if something starts out complicated and I get caught in the middle, the angst tends to shoot out the top of my head. In siplicity, I keep my promises, including those I make to myself. That being said, I've made a promise to myself that iIwould never again try another online dating site. I just said I didn't date, right? Yes, but the other half of that sentance says that it has not worked.
So, I now need to talk a little bit about online dating sites, but there is a meathod to my madness... so....
The site "Eharmony.com" was begun by a man named Niel Clark Warren. He's a Christian, with a desire to help teach hopeful couples how to have the best chance of staying together. You know, that smiling guy with the grey hair in the commercials? That's him. He was on James Dobson's show "Focus on the Family" many times, and that is where I first learned about Eharmony. It was before this explosion of online dating sites, and before "Eharmony" looked like any other dating site because all the "Christianity" was sucked outof it Anyway, now there are others like "Christianmingle.com," and "Chistianlifestyle.com"
But, my profile's right here, so I have no need to try either. I don't like online dating sites, because (just like real dating) people get stuck into little "pockets" of information. Come on, I'm a woman... not a piece of information. My pant size is 12, by the way, and according to the fashion industry...I'm fat. Okay, how many of you have stopped reading now?
In a moment of weakness, (and man did I hate it)...I'd tried Christianmingle. com, and one guy that I'd wished to keep in touch with, ended up meeting somebody... on a plane! and very casually "messaged" me that he was now seeing someone. (PS..."Thank you for your kind words"). Kind words? That's interesting, because, when I read that, what I wanted to say wasn't exactly kind... (Ahem): "Remove your profile, you dope! Do you have any idea how many women you're misleading?" This might give you momentary satisfaction, but it's not exactly an endearring quality!" Anyway, why should I pay to see whether somebody "may be" a potential relationship for me? I can date for real, and have him pay for everything and then drive me home! I would say that I don't date because I'm not interested in impressing anyone; but that's not true. Everybody to some degree is interested in impressing people; it's human nature. I just don't want to have to do it in high heels and pantyhose!
That is not me. Not at all. Besides, honesty is an absolute must for me, and with any online dating site, all I can think is : You don't know who you're REALLY talking to. So, how do you know that you're really talking to ME? (simple girl, who just likes to write poetry?) Well, I guess you don't, do you? Wow. Am I screwed? Oh well. I'd like to start a website of my own: "NO Eharmony.com" Don't worry... there's no disrespect here. It's just that online dating sites don't work for everyone. Naturally, the commercials are going to take the "best of the best" cases, because it's like an interview...let me sell myself to you. (Pretty much like a date?) Understandable. Anyway, I always wonder about the UN-success stories. What about those wonderful hopefuls who were maybe passed over, because the little pockets of information were not impressive to someone? I actually had a friend that this happened to. She began corresponding with someone and they decided to meet, eventually; and they did meet (in a well-lit, public place... good girl). But she quickly found that there were things that he'd been inconsistent about. Needless to say... nothing developed.
I'm 33 and I live with my mother. (How well would THAT go over on Eharmony?) Yes, I remember the extasy of living on my own, coupled with the agony of paying for everything on my own. (What, I don't get to choose)? I did the math once...my rent alone was eating up 71% of my income; coupled with the fact that just because your rent goes up, that does not mean that your SSI does. I tried the section 8 thing, but realized that at that rate, I wouldn't have a place to live till I was dead, and by then... oh well, NEXT! (Besides, the place I'd picked out for myself was so cute)! So, I moved into the place I wanted. It was amazing, I loved it! But desperate times call for desperate measures... we're in a depresson, don't you know :) so, I had to be practical. I realized that I soon would no longer be able to pay my rent, and my mother could barely pay hers... so, I moved in with her. We are now having a blast on Facebook and Twitter, and poking fun at life.
Altogether, there are five people living here. It's a two bedroom apartment, and we are making it work. It's difficult at times...but everything in life that's worth anything IS difficult (no matter what you hear on TV) :) Anyway, I'm uninterested in looking for "Singlews in my area." Just because it's my "area" does not mean it's my preference. As I said, it gets to be 110 in the summer, easy! Not my cup of tea.
Speaking of tea, I once spent a semester in England, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I like climates that are "cooler" with rain... not "freezing cold" with "too much rain." England (wonderful as it is) is freezing cold with too much rain... so I doubt I would want to live there permenantly. But needless to say, I'm looking to change "areas"; I'm not interested in having my braincells fried one more summer! :) I am now looking forward to the Chinese food that is on it's way Orange Chicken. I'll be enjoying this with a Stella Artois... and here it comes now :) This, my lovelies, is (for now) my profile...No Eharmony required. :)
But I look at it like this: I have plenty of "sufficiency," as well as plenty of interests... hence the three, and now four blogs. I could tell you that I'm five foot nine with brown eyes and short, red hair (hair that' been dyed just about every shade of red that there is) and I like it that way. But why should I tell you that? You were looking for a blonde model with blue eyes? OOPPS! You wanted somebody with long hair? Dude, where I live, it's 110 in the summer time, easy. Short hair is just a matter of praticality. I try to live with a lot of that...practicality. It's very important. Besides, I believe it shows that a person has skill...wherever else they may be "lacking."
I have "kissed dating goodbye"... and found that it has not worked. I remember when Joshua Harris came out with his groundbreaking book that the media (of course) gave him so much so much flack for. Did I just say that twice? Yeah? Oh well, get used to it. Anyway, "not dating" HAS removed a lot of anxiety from my life. Good Thing. I like simplicity... largely because I tend to make simple things complicated. If my honesty irritates you, you may want to stop reading NOW :)
This is not something I'm afraid of, I just know that I need to accept the given fact. I tend to make simple things complicated and so, if something starts out complicated and I get caught in the middle, the angst tends to shoot out the top of my head. In siplicity, I keep my promises, including those I make to myself. That being said, I've made a promise to myself that iIwould never again try another online dating site. I just said I didn't date, right? Yes, but the other half of that sentance says that it has not worked.
So, I now need to talk a little bit about online dating sites, but there is a meathod to my madness... so....
The site "Eharmony.com" was begun by a man named Niel Clark Warren. He's a Christian, with a desire to help teach hopeful couples how to have the best chance of staying together. You know, that smiling guy with the grey hair in the commercials? That's him. He was on James Dobson's show "Focus on the Family" many times, and that is where I first learned about Eharmony. It was before this explosion of online dating sites, and before "Eharmony" looked like any other dating site because all the "Christianity" was sucked outof it Anyway, now there are others like "Christianmingle.com," and "Chistianlifestyle.com"
But, my profile's right here, so I have no need to try either. I don't like online dating sites, because (just like real dating) people get stuck into little "pockets" of information. Come on, I'm a woman... not a piece of information. My pant size is 12, by the way, and according to the fashion industry...I'm fat. Okay, how many of you have stopped reading now?
In a moment of weakness, (and man did I hate it)...I'd tried Christianmingle. com, and one guy that I'd wished to keep in touch with, ended up meeting somebody... on a plane! and very casually "messaged" me that he was now seeing someone. (PS..."Thank you for your kind words"). Kind words? That's interesting, because, when I read that, what I wanted to say wasn't exactly kind... (Ahem): "Remove your profile, you dope! Do you have any idea how many women you're misleading?" This might give you momentary satisfaction, but it's not exactly an endearring quality!" Anyway, why should I pay to see whether somebody "may be" a potential relationship for me? I can date for real, and have him pay for everything and then drive me home! I would say that I don't date because I'm not interested in impressing anyone; but that's not true. Everybody to some degree is interested in impressing people; it's human nature. I just don't want to have to do it in high heels and pantyhose!
That is not me. Not at all. Besides, honesty is an absolute must for me, and with any online dating site, all I can think is : You don't know who you're REALLY talking to. So, how do you know that you're really talking to ME? (simple girl, who just likes to write poetry?) Well, I guess you don't, do you? Wow. Am I screwed? Oh well. I'd like to start a website of my own: "NO Eharmony.com" Don't worry... there's no disrespect here. It's just that online dating sites don't work for everyone. Naturally, the commercials are going to take the "best of the best" cases, because it's like an interview...let me sell myself to you. (Pretty much like a date?) Understandable. Anyway, I always wonder about the UN-success stories. What about those wonderful hopefuls who were maybe passed over, because the little pockets of information were not impressive to someone? I actually had a friend that this happened to. She began corresponding with someone and they decided to meet, eventually; and they did meet (in a well-lit, public place... good girl). But she quickly found that there were things that he'd been inconsistent about. Needless to say... nothing developed.
I'm 33 and I live with my mother. (How well would THAT go over on Eharmony?) Yes, I remember the extasy of living on my own, coupled with the agony of paying for everything on my own. (What, I don't get to choose)? I did the math once...my rent alone was eating up 71% of my income; coupled with the fact that just because your rent goes up, that does not mean that your SSI does. I tried the section 8 thing, but realized that at that rate, I wouldn't have a place to live till I was dead, and by then... oh well, NEXT! (Besides, the place I'd picked out for myself was so cute)! So, I moved into the place I wanted. It was amazing, I loved it! But desperate times call for desperate measures... we're in a depresson, don't you know :) so, I had to be practical. I realized that I soon would no longer be able to pay my rent, and my mother could barely pay hers... so, I moved in with her. We are now having a blast on Facebook and Twitter, and poking fun at life.
Altogether, there are five people living here. It's a two bedroom apartment, and we are making it work. It's difficult at times...but everything in life that's worth anything IS difficult (no matter what you hear on TV) :) Anyway, I'm uninterested in looking for "Singlews in my area." Just because it's my "area" does not mean it's my preference. As I said, it gets to be 110 in the summer, easy! Not my cup of tea.
Speaking of tea, I once spent a semester in England, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I like climates that are "cooler" with rain... not "freezing cold" with "too much rain." England (wonderful as it is) is freezing cold with too much rain... so I doubt I would want to live there permenantly. But needless to say, I'm looking to change "areas"; I'm not interested in having my braincells fried one more summer! :) I am now looking forward to the Chinese food that is on it's way Orange Chicken. I'll be enjoying this with a Stella Artois... and here it comes now :) This, my lovelies, is (for now) my profile...No Eharmony required. :)
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