I have given my creator permission to withhold marriage from me as long as He wants to. He's G-d...he does not need PERMISSION for anything, mind you; however, I gave it to Him all the same.
I still do not know how to walk through troubles gracefully...nor have I been truly willing to learn. I still want my father to clear the path, and take away every trouble possible and just let me get married already. Period. I still have this fantasy (way deep down) that if I get married, somehow this will remedy certain difficulties I may be having now. This is not true at all. But for years, I never really believed this. I would say it over and over again...because I knew those words just "fit" there oh so wonderfully...but I did not believe it...
I was contemplating a while back why I never had any kids. I told a friend last week that the one person I ever dreamed of having a family with...did not work out. After that, I never got to feeling that way about anyone else, and I panicked several times over the years, truly wondering whether something was the matter with me. Why couldn't I just get over it? Why couldn't I just get on with my life? I did not know...and even today, I still don't. But I do know this: my heart was really broken when I was very young...and my Daddy has been protecting me from further hurt. I've been fighting Him on this...all the way! That's why my singleness has been so long. It's true...I have begged, pleaded, cried, bargained, thrown my Bible across the room...watched myself become worn out, and then given in.
I've said "Okay Lord, have your way with me," while my fingers were crossed behind my back. I've lied to G-d and to everyone, saying I was fine with myself...while the "knife" went in deeper, reminding me that I missed the one I wanted originally. I would try desperately to wipe the slate clean, and move on... "That was then, this is now," I would tell myself. Nothing worked. Meanwhile, tick, tick tick went the clock. I would be still for (not even) as long as I could stand it, and then go berserk again with my Creator: "Why are you DOING this to me??". He's been keeping me from further hurt. Whether I would admit it or not. All the comparisons in the world won't help...the ones I make to others who are granted the dream I wanted while I remain alone. Yes, G-d is with me...but he knows I want someone with skin on.
So I've perfected every answer to the singleness argument, carefully combating anything anyone would say to me to get me to be happy with my current state...feeling the rush of excitement again, that something may be different tomorrow...finding myself alone, and screaming at my Creator again: "Why are you doing this to ME??". No, my heart was broken and I was terribly hurt...though the person was long gone from my life. Never did I want to admit that I was still drowning in something the world said I should've been long over. So I would get up...sadness gushing out, and try to paper mâché a happiness I knew would not last...but I would kid myself. And tick, tick, tick went the clock.
I've become a BRAT with a sense of entitlement...and I've said it was all G-d's fault. He did this to me...so He'd better hurry up and fix it, right? Wrong. Time out. My heart was really broken...and he's been sparing me further hurt. The knife that was left, only made me miserable with myself...so any relationship I BEGGED Him to give me would've made no difference. Meanwhile, tick, tick, tick goes the clock...and any little thing that happens to me...I only want Him to remove: "Take it away, Zi've been through enough." I thought I knew that He never said he'd spare me from trouble...but I have not behaved like it. God in his great mercy has spared me so much, and I've not appreciated it or cared. This is what happens when I try to be tough.
Talk to a person all you want about "surrender," but until they're ready, this does not work. So, my Creator, has let me inch my up, and inch my way up, and fall...and see Him holding out his hand to me...even when I was raging mad: "Get up, little butterfly, you can do it.". Somewhere the light began to break through, and something inside began to turn... What was I waiting for anyway? That day when I would enter into wedded bliss and all would be fixed? Yes...I was! But how stupid is this?...and I KNEW better, so I thought. So this truth stayed locked up inside. No one must ever know that I was that naive!
My Creator has been giving me nothing but Himself...uninterrupted. I have been throwing this away with both hands and demanding that He do what I want. Smart? Not at all. Marriage is a mystery and it is HARD...and to think that it will fix me, make me normal, or take away my problems is insane. I will always be a single person who must stare herself in the face, whether I am married or not. We cannot escape ourselves. But, married or not...trouble in the life of a Believer should never be an afterthought! I need to familiarize myself with it, and anticipate that it WILL come...everyday...I will be moving from storm to storm. All this time, I've been expecting that I would not, or should not...because I wanted the path clear...For marriage! Time out.
No "step by step" for me...I decided I'd been through enough and wanted it all wiped out! What in the WORLD do I think this is??...My sense of entitlement has been choking me. All this, and my Father has loved me all the same. I should never think of marriage as, "Oh, if only...". This will never work. Until I can go through hardships willingly I have no business begging G-d to plunge me into them head first! No. Grown up, this is certainly not. What right do I have to demand my own way? Besides, I'm getting to like myself! G-d, take your time, I'll wait.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Guys...Don't. Just Don't.
Guys, don't make fun of a woman's body. Just don't do it. To me, this is one of those, if -you-don't-know-I'm not-going-to-tell-you kinda things. It hurts...it's not funny...and it's NOT appropriate. Period. I don't care how you were raised...maybe this was the norm for you, to hear your dad (or your mother's husband) call her fat, tell her to tone her body, scrutinize every part of her body with degrading details, say she's a fat pig, constantly tell her she needs to diet, and the like. Ladies...don't ever accept this kind of abuse from a man, and don't EVER do this to yourself either! (Please.)
We live in a culture of idols and the fact is that many women are systematically sacrificing themselves on the alter of perfection. Take a hike Barbie! I've heard it said that it HAS to be true that men designed the Barbie doll because it's been proven that THOSE measurements are impossible on a real woman. I wish that every idiot who ever rejected a woman or made her feel less than for lack of a so-called "perfect body" could spend some time interacting with women who are being treated for eating disorders. I wish they could see women hospitalized because they are starving themselves...ripping out their IV's because they think the nourishment is going to make them fat! They are often "walking skeletons" who still believe they are overweight! They kneel at the alter of the toilet, literally purging themselves of anything that would keep them alive...
It probably started when she was a happy, bubbly little girl, just wanting an ice cream cone. She probably had not lost her baby-fat, and some embittered adult decided to remind her of that. Guys, I wish each of you could crawl inside the soul of a woman, or young child, who's had their spirit crushed by some immature idiot's horrible remarks. Couple this with the fact that many times, this man is her father! Women want to please their daddy's like they need air to breathe. This habitual crushing of their souls can make women believe the lie that it is okay to accept this kind of behavior from men because they begin to abuse themselves...using food and the scale a degrading punishment. Guys...don't contribute to this!
I was reading some comments last night in response to a blog post. A couple women were sharing stories about being with men who scrutinized their bodies and told them they were fat. Needless to say, these relationships did not last. (Good). Ladies and gentleman, it is all around us... we live in a world that HATES anything that makes a woman virtuous, and many of our men are being raised to light the fire that flares a woman's temper... when he has no right to verbally abuse her, grab her, pinch her, tickle her, call her names, and anything else that degrades her body, or her physical appearance. Then, he just giggles and laughs. He tells her her she needs to get over herself. He says things like "I'm just messin" with ya.". Yeah, well, the only thing I want to see right now is the back of your head getting smaller and smaller.
Ladies, did you know that clothing manufacturers are MAKING clothes smaller and smaller, in part so that women believe that they are gaining weight? Why would they do this? According to author Kevin Trudeau, it is because of the huge market out there for weight-loss products. Just watch the commercials on TV. Sex sells...EVERYTHING...even things you'd never think sex would, or could sell, would you agree? Oh, and images. Images, images, images everywhere!! To any man out there who is sincerely working to be faithful to his wife or girlfriend... (I'm sorry, I don't know how to finish that thought.)
I will say this...I really think the whole thing is a set-up. Men are not raised to behave like adults...and they are encouraged, around every corner, to objectify women. Women, either then hate men, lash out out them, and the women's lib movement gets about a thousand points OR women lay down like doormats, take the abuse, resent men, and then they become like the men who are abusing them, because they are building lives with that kind of toxic thinking, and they figure, two can play this game. So, they belittle, they abuse (back), they tease they insult...they create all the ammo. they need in order to "treat" him like the (pig) that he has proven himself to be. And the destructive cycle goes an on. STOP! Both of you, stop!
As I said, we live in a culture that despises anything that makes women virtuous, mature, brave adults who truly care about other's well being. Let's see...this would be things such as becoming a woman, childbirth, marriage, monogamy, faithfulness, breastfeeding, c-section scars, weight-gain, her monthly cycle that prepares her body to HAVE babies, sex with ONE person and purity and looking at the character, heart and motivation of a person. Guys, if you think that's uncomfortable to read, imagine what it's like to go through all of that, with no support from a significant other because she's gained some weight, and he doesn't find her as attractive anymore! So, if I understand this correctly...even with all she's already going through...he now feels DISRESPECTED because she's let herself go?? And on top of that, she's abused and verbally "stomped" all over like the gum under somebody's shoe! AND, as if this were not enough, often this woman is BLAMED for the abuse!! It's her fault because she knew he was like this when she...met him, married him (whatever). Guys, grow up. Ladies, if he DOES love and respect you like he's supposed to, he'll help you be anything you want, and love you in the process. Take care of him as best you can, cheer him on, support him in his endeavors, but make sure that YOU don't get the short end of the stick in the process! (please).
We live in a culture of idols and the fact is that many women are systematically sacrificing themselves on the alter of perfection. Take a hike Barbie! I've heard it said that it HAS to be true that men designed the Barbie doll because it's been proven that THOSE measurements are impossible on a real woman. I wish that every idiot who ever rejected a woman or made her feel less than for lack of a so-called "perfect body" could spend some time interacting with women who are being treated for eating disorders. I wish they could see women hospitalized because they are starving themselves...ripping out their IV's because they think the nourishment is going to make them fat! They are often "walking skeletons" who still believe they are overweight! They kneel at the alter of the toilet, literally purging themselves of anything that would keep them alive...
It probably started when she was a happy, bubbly little girl, just wanting an ice cream cone. She probably had not lost her baby-fat, and some embittered adult decided to remind her of that. Guys, I wish each of you could crawl inside the soul of a woman, or young child, who's had their spirit crushed by some immature idiot's horrible remarks. Couple this with the fact that many times, this man is her father! Women want to please their daddy's like they need air to breathe. This habitual crushing of their souls can make women believe the lie that it is okay to accept this kind of behavior from men because they begin to abuse themselves...using food and the scale a degrading punishment. Guys...don't contribute to this!
I was reading some comments last night in response to a blog post. A couple women were sharing stories about being with men who scrutinized their bodies and told them they were fat. Needless to say, these relationships did not last. (Good). Ladies and gentleman, it is all around us... we live in a world that HATES anything that makes a woman virtuous, and many of our men are being raised to light the fire that flares a woman's temper... when he has no right to verbally abuse her, grab her, pinch her, tickle her, call her names, and anything else that degrades her body, or her physical appearance. Then, he just giggles and laughs. He tells her her she needs to get over herself. He says things like "I'm just messin" with ya.". Yeah, well, the only thing I want to see right now is the back of your head getting smaller and smaller.
Ladies, did you know that clothing manufacturers are MAKING clothes smaller and smaller, in part so that women believe that they are gaining weight? Why would they do this? According to author Kevin Trudeau, it is because of the huge market out there for weight-loss products. Just watch the commercials on TV. Sex sells...EVERYTHING...even things you'd never think sex would, or could sell, would you agree? Oh, and images. Images, images, images everywhere!! To any man out there who is sincerely working to be faithful to his wife or girlfriend... (I'm sorry, I don't know how to finish that thought.)
I will say this...I really think the whole thing is a set-up. Men are not raised to behave like adults...and they are encouraged, around every corner, to objectify women. Women, either then hate men, lash out out them, and the women's lib movement gets about a thousand points OR women lay down like doormats, take the abuse, resent men, and then they become like the men who are abusing them, because they are building lives with that kind of toxic thinking, and they figure, two can play this game. So, they belittle, they abuse (back), they tease they insult...they create all the ammo. they need in order to "treat" him like the (pig) that he has proven himself to be. And the destructive cycle goes an on. STOP! Both of you, stop!
As I said, we live in a culture that despises anything that makes women virtuous, mature, brave adults who truly care about other's well being. Let's see...this would be things such as becoming a woman, childbirth, marriage, monogamy, faithfulness, breastfeeding, c-section scars, weight-gain, her monthly cycle that prepares her body to HAVE babies, sex with ONE person and purity and looking at the character, heart and motivation of a person. Guys, if you think that's uncomfortable to read, imagine what it's like to go through all of that, with no support from a significant other because she's gained some weight, and he doesn't find her as attractive anymore! So, if I understand this correctly...even with all she's already going through...he now feels DISRESPECTED because she's let herself go?? And on top of that, she's abused and verbally "stomped" all over like the gum under somebody's shoe! AND, as if this were not enough, often this woman is BLAMED for the abuse!! It's her fault because she knew he was like this when she...met him, married him (whatever). Guys, grow up. Ladies, if he DOES love and respect you like he's supposed to, he'll help you be anything you want, and love you in the process. Take care of him as best you can, cheer him on, support him in his endeavors, but make sure that YOU don't get the short end of the stick in the process! (please).
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