I honestly don't think God will ever let me get married. If this is the case, then I wish I could learn to just be content on my own and be through with it. My pastor's wife used to say: " If you've got the desire to be married, then you're supposed to be married."
I used to believe this is true but I don't anymore. I've had a deep desire to be married from the time I was a small child. I've prayed, and hoped, and dreamed, and prayed and hoped and dreamed... I've cried out to God, gotten angry with him even. Repented...prayed hoped and dreamed som more. Cried some more...felt guilty for having the wrong attitude...prayed about it again and watched God reveal a terrible anger I did not even think was still in there. Felt guilty again, repented, started over...laid it down and told God his ways are best, while watching the desire well up inside me again, and wondering if God just left the building or something.
He'll never leave me nor forsake me, so this isn't possible; sometimes I would just think that feeling was going to choke me. I seem to feel myself getting older everyday...almost as if I'm mourning the loss of something I've never had. If I'm not supposed to ever be married, I wish God would just tell me because the suspense is killing me. I always thought that if I were not supposed to get married, then I would simply not have the desire to be. I would WANT to be single MORE than I wanted to be with someone. Nope. This is not what's happened at all. I want to be with someone badly, and I feel as if I'm being forced to see my friends all get married (or at least, get into a relationship)... but it has never happened for me. Nothing but a bunch of false hopes and dead ends and misleading scenarios. I think I'm supposed to be single, but the desire to be married has never left me. I've even tried to FORCE myself to be accepting of it (if it be God's will)' which I've found does not work either. I find that I must give into the "hope" that marriage will happen because this is the way God has made me. But it now just seems to too painful, and not worth it. It seems like the more I hope for it, pray about it, cry about it, the more this thing called marriage eludes me. There have been times when I've even asked God if he's put a curse on me, or if I'm being punished.
Is he angry with me for something? What's worse is, He seems to WANT me to be on this roller coaster and FEEL this pain, and see what a brat I can be, when I don't get my way. Well when you've been this confused, for this long, it's bound to make you go crazy sometimes, that's all I can say. It's almost like he's doing everything he can to show me that I am completely inelligeable for the very desire he's placed within me. Possibly. The thing is...I don't remember ever arguing with him about this. If I ever do get married, it will because God made it happen...not me! I don't know whether I don't REALLY believe this or what. Am I too self-sufficient? Have events of my life so damaged me that marriage is not possible now?
I keep wondering whether this is God's way of having me "share" in his suffering...does his breaking my heart keep "binding" me to him? I'm afraid sometimes that the "desire" will never go away, because God doesn't want to lift it. Why should he, when it drives me to my knees so well? This seems cruel and unfair to me. I mean, who am I to be talking about "fair"? I didn't go to a cross right? I'm not near as good as I think I am...it's just more than I can bear sometimes. (yes, it IS more than I can bear). These are things no one tells you about, when you first become his child. It seems God's played some awful trick on me and now he expects me to be grateful for it. What do I do? I mean, who knows, maybe someone else might need to read this or something. How does one keep saying "Gods will be done" when it keeps hurting them? I keep using Hannah's story as an example of how she suffered greatly, but God used her suffering to lead her to her victory. I'm tired now. I'm now well acquainted with the suffering and disappointment, but have yet to see the victory. I know God has dealt bountifully with me and been so much better to me then I will ever deserve...I just had no clue it would hurt like this.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
All Purpose
HEY EVERYBODY! CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE, AND CHANCES ARE, EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL GIFT FOR EVERYONE ON THEIR LIST. BUT IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU'RE ON A BUDGET. :) MY SEARCH FOR VERSATILE, INEXPENSIVE, ALL PURPOSE GIFTS ONLINE, SIMPLY WAS NOT AS FULFILLING AS I WOULD'VE LIKED BECAUSE MOST OF MY FINDINGS WERE NOT IN MY PRICE RANGE, AND MOST OF THE GIFTS (THOUGH AMAZING) WERE NOT THINGS THAT WOULD WORK FOR ANYONE ON MY LIST. So, I've COME UP WITH MY OWN LIST OF VERSATILE, INEXPENSIVE GIFTS THAT WILL WORK FOR EVERYONE, AND TIPS TO MAKE THE SHOPPING MORE ENJOYABLE :). FEEL FREE TO SHARE!
* Most of these gifts (if not all) will work for pretty much anyone, of course, just keep in mind whether purchasing for an adult or child, guy or girl. List does not apply children under five.
TIP # 1:
IF Y0U'RE NOT SURE, GO WITH A GIFT CARD.
Let's face it, sometimes we just have no idea what to get someone. In this case, let them get what they want. This way, you control the amount, and your loved one get's something that they absolutely know they like! PS, don't be afraid to ask the person what gift card they might want; this way there is no uncertainty about what sort of gift card to look for. Kids love gift cards because they get to do the choosing.
TIP # 2:
DIVIDE AND CONQUER.
After you write your initial list of people to shop for, divide it up. (I rewrite it). How many women are you shopping for? How many men? How many children?
This way, you can divide your gifts up into little groups. This can make the shopping simpler, and you can possibly get done more quickly.
TIP # 3:
THE SAME...BUT DIFFERENT.
Another way to simplify choosing gifts, is to buy several of the same item, just in different varieties. For example, body wash. This is something that everyone can use, and there are different varieties, whether for men, women or children. Depending on where you purchase, you can find multi-packs with more tan one bottle. Use the same approach to presents that you do to the wrapping paper: Get several for one price.
TIP # 4:
LET THE PACKAGING BE PART OF THE PRESENT.
Use your better judgement with this one; sometimes, it is cheaper to just wrap. But this is also an area where a person can get very creative. For example, if you have someone who loves gardening, see if you can fit their present into a flower pot decorated with bow, rather than a box and wrapping, that will just be discarded anyway. This way, they get to use the flower pot too.
Tip # 5:
TRY TO GET ALL DONE AT ONCE.
This might seem to defeat the purpose of de-stressing, but this saves the shopper from making so many trips. Personally, I love places like Costco, Wal-Mart and Target because they have...well... EVERYTHING. I know that some people would rather make more trips to smaller stores in order to avoid large crowds, which I completely understand; but around Christmas time, even smaller shops have large crowds; and getting as much done as possible in one trip saves gas as well.
Tip # 6:
PICK A CARD...ANY CARD.
Whether it's an eCard, or sent snail mail with a stamp, Christmas cards are still a wonderful way to bless those you love that you can't be with on Christmas, or that it is simply not practical to buy for. These can be purchased at a dollar store, for... you guessed it! You can either get a box of Christmas cards or 2 for a dollar. (Hey, not bad) :). And then of course there are always E-cards, which can be cleverly designed and are even simpler to send and receive.
Tip # 7:
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE DOLLAR STORE!
Now, granted, depending on the store, some of the "bargains" you find...are actually not worth the dollar you pay for them. I've just found this to be true. But, in the end, I am a HUGE fan of dollar stores because I can't think of a better place to get all of your wrapping, your Christmas cards...and quite possibly, all your gifts too. Use your smart shopper sense, and you just may find everything you need!...and what a deal!
PRACTICAL, INEXPENSIVE GIFTS THAT EVERYONE LOVES:
1. Body wash
2. Wash cloths and hand towels
3. Popcorn
4. Notebooks or pads of paper
5. Safety pins or tacks
6. Blank CD's
7. Throws (blankets)
8. Hard candy or gum
9. Pens, markers or highlighters
10. Post-it's
11. Tea bags, hot chocolate, or packets of cider
12. Coffee (dry)
13. Power strips (electrical)
14. Scented pine cones
15. Seeds and gardening tools
16. Themed duck (duct) tape. (camo... anyone?)
17. Batteries
18. Toothbrushes
19. Socks or slipper-socks
20. Shoe laces
21. A Dictionary or thesaurus
22. Calendars
23. Journals
24. Picture Frames
25. Scarves, gloves and hats
26. Handkerchiefs
27. Brushes and combs
28. Manicure sets
29. Hangers (Pkg.)
30. Rubix Cubes (Who doesn't love these?)
31. Headphones
32. Chargers (for phones or IPads or iPods)
33. Puzzles
34. Photo Albums
35. Cookbooks
36. Sparkling Cider
37. Audiobooks
38. Lens cleaner (glasses)
39. Sunglasses
40. Laundry baskets
41. Travel cases or Makeup bags
42. Key chains
43. Water bottles
44. Flameless candles
45. A thermos, coffee cup or travel mug
46. A plate, cup and bowl dish set
47. Lotion, shave gel, or aftershave
48. Umbrellas
49. Money belts (for traveling) (these fit under your clothes).
50. Cookie kit or recipe/ingredients kit
FEEL FREE TO SHARE! Merry Christmas everyone!
* Most of these gifts (if not all) will work for pretty much anyone, of course, just keep in mind whether purchasing for an adult or child, guy or girl. List does not apply children under five.
TIP # 1:
IF Y0U'RE NOT SURE, GO WITH A GIFT CARD.
Let's face it, sometimes we just have no idea what to get someone. In this case, let them get what they want. This way, you control the amount, and your loved one get's something that they absolutely know they like! PS, don't be afraid to ask the person what gift card they might want; this way there is no uncertainty about what sort of gift card to look for. Kids love gift cards because they get to do the choosing.
TIP # 2:
DIVIDE AND CONQUER.
After you write your initial list of people to shop for, divide it up. (I rewrite it). How many women are you shopping for? How many men? How many children?
This way, you can divide your gifts up into little groups. This can make the shopping simpler, and you can possibly get done more quickly.
TIP # 3:
THE SAME...BUT DIFFERENT.
Another way to simplify choosing gifts, is to buy several of the same item, just in different varieties. For example, body wash. This is something that everyone can use, and there are different varieties, whether for men, women or children. Depending on where you purchase, you can find multi-packs with more tan one bottle. Use the same approach to presents that you do to the wrapping paper: Get several for one price.
TIP # 4:
LET THE PACKAGING BE PART OF THE PRESENT.
Use your better judgement with this one; sometimes, it is cheaper to just wrap. But this is also an area where a person can get very creative. For example, if you have someone who loves gardening, see if you can fit their present into a flower pot decorated with bow, rather than a box and wrapping, that will just be discarded anyway. This way, they get to use the flower pot too.
Tip # 5:
TRY TO GET ALL DONE AT ONCE.
This might seem to defeat the purpose of de-stressing, but this saves the shopper from making so many trips. Personally, I love places like Costco, Wal-Mart and Target because they have...well... EVERYTHING. I know that some people would rather make more trips to smaller stores in order to avoid large crowds, which I completely understand; but around Christmas time, even smaller shops have large crowds; and getting as much done as possible in one trip saves gas as well.
Tip # 6:
PICK A CARD...ANY CARD.
Whether it's an eCard, or sent snail mail with a stamp, Christmas cards are still a wonderful way to bless those you love that you can't be with on Christmas, or that it is simply not practical to buy for. These can be purchased at a dollar store, for... you guessed it! You can either get a box of Christmas cards or 2 for a dollar. (Hey, not bad) :). And then of course there are always E-cards, which can be cleverly designed and are even simpler to send and receive.
Tip # 7:
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE DOLLAR STORE!
Now, granted, depending on the store, some of the "bargains" you find...are actually not worth the dollar you pay for them. I've just found this to be true. But, in the end, I am a HUGE fan of dollar stores because I can't think of a better place to get all of your wrapping, your Christmas cards...and quite possibly, all your gifts too. Use your smart shopper sense, and you just may find everything you need!...and what a deal!
PRACTICAL, INEXPENSIVE GIFTS THAT EVERYONE LOVES:
1. Body wash
2. Wash cloths and hand towels
3. Popcorn
4. Notebooks or pads of paper
5. Safety pins or tacks
6. Blank CD's
7. Throws (blankets)
8. Hard candy or gum
9. Pens, markers or highlighters
10. Post-it's
11. Tea bags, hot chocolate, or packets of cider
12. Coffee (dry)
13. Power strips (electrical)
14. Scented pine cones
15. Seeds and gardening tools
16. Themed duck (duct) tape. (camo... anyone?)
17. Batteries
18. Toothbrushes
19. Socks or slipper-socks
20. Shoe laces
21. A Dictionary or thesaurus
22. Calendars
23. Journals
24. Picture Frames
25. Scarves, gloves and hats
26. Handkerchiefs
27. Brushes and combs
28. Manicure sets
29. Hangers (Pkg.)
30. Rubix Cubes (Who doesn't love these?)
31. Headphones
32. Chargers (for phones or IPads or iPods)
33. Puzzles
34. Photo Albums
35. Cookbooks
36. Sparkling Cider
37. Audiobooks
38. Lens cleaner (glasses)
39. Sunglasses
40. Laundry baskets
41. Travel cases or Makeup bags
42. Key chains
43. Water bottles
44. Flameless candles
45. A thermos, coffee cup or travel mug
46. A plate, cup and bowl dish set
47. Lotion, shave gel, or aftershave
48. Umbrellas
49. Money belts (for traveling) (these fit under your clothes).
50. Cookie kit or recipe/ingredients kit
FEEL FREE TO SHARE! Merry Christmas everyone!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
What's Going on Anyway?
As a single Christian woman, I find that I never know whether I'm sending the wrong messages to guys or not. Am I looking them too deep in the eyes? Should I avert my glance? I see them averting THEIR glance...did I do something wrong? I'll admit it...I often feel rather unprotected. This may not be the right thing for a devout Christian to say, but it's true.
I'm single, and attractive and smart, and frankly, I have a responsibility.
Am I flirting? If so, am I asking for the wrong kind of attention? I really hope not. I never want to distract anyone or allure them inappropriately, or tempt someone in the wrong way. The thing is, sometimes I seem to do it without even trying. I know this because I can see guys doing all the things I wrote above. Awkward...really. I'm talking about guys at church. I'm talking about friend's I've had for a long time. I don't know why this can't happen for me with the RIGHT guy( as in, single, unmarried and just the right age); but, so it is. Shoot...If I'm gonna stay single, fine...whatever...I don't care. I'm just not good at the guy/girl thing. The only guys I'm ever drawn to are the the one's who couldn't care less, and then I wait forever, hoping that they'll realize what a wonderful thing they've lost (yeah, right). I keep wanting to up my standards, but I have no idea how. Forget it. I'm done. I've had it.
The thing is, I figure that if I could get away with living in a cave all my life, and I never had to face anyone else, then who cares if I were single. (I can live with myself, fine). I'll be there, knitting and watching The Big Bang Theory. But the thing is, who can live like that? Who's meant to live like that? None of us can get away with that, so as long as we have to face people, and deal with... stuff, I want a guy with his arm around me. Not just any one... The right one. I want kisses and hugs and cuddles. I want to remember my husband when I see yet another guy RUN in the other direction when he see's me (yes, this has happened to me). What in the WORLD did I do?? I honestly have no idea. I don't have to DO anything. Seems all I have to do is LOOK at guys wrong and they seem to freak out and the other way. Anyway, I want to remember my husband and be glad that I'm going home to him. I'm constantly wondering where this guy is, so I can't help but "look" for him (something I better quit doing because it sends out the wrong "vibe," and guys can sense this, I guess, I don't know.
Besides, I'm no good at going through all the crap: is somebody available, are they not? If they're not, why don't they tell people about their significant other right away? The comparison's to other people, the innuendo's, the implications, the supposed "power" women have over men to move them in certain directions. I used to believe I had that power (whatever the heck it is.). Now, I'm not so sure I care. I'm an attractive, single woman who's worried that she ends up leading men in the wrong direction just by being herself! Great. This makes me feel sooooooo much better than the idea of being happy with the right guy! Good grief! So, I don't dress provocatively, and many people would tell me that this is my problem. What can I say, I like my clothes to cover me properly, and my glance to be modest... but even with all of this, I can tell when a guy is struggling around me... and I hate it. Now, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my fort with my OREOS and milk!
I'm single, and attractive and smart, and frankly, I have a responsibility.
Am I flirting? If so, am I asking for the wrong kind of attention? I really hope not. I never want to distract anyone or allure them inappropriately, or tempt someone in the wrong way. The thing is, sometimes I seem to do it without even trying. I know this because I can see guys doing all the things I wrote above. Awkward...really. I'm talking about guys at church. I'm talking about friend's I've had for a long time. I don't know why this can't happen for me with the RIGHT guy( as in, single, unmarried and just the right age); but, so it is. Shoot...If I'm gonna stay single, fine...whatever...I don't care. I'm just not good at the guy/girl thing. The only guys I'm ever drawn to are the the one's who couldn't care less, and then I wait forever, hoping that they'll realize what a wonderful thing they've lost (yeah, right). I keep wanting to up my standards, but I have no idea how. Forget it. I'm done. I've had it.
The thing is, I figure that if I could get away with living in a cave all my life, and I never had to face anyone else, then who cares if I were single. (I can live with myself, fine). I'll be there, knitting and watching The Big Bang Theory. But the thing is, who can live like that? Who's meant to live like that? None of us can get away with that, so as long as we have to face people, and deal with... stuff, I want a guy with his arm around me. Not just any one... The right one. I want kisses and hugs and cuddles. I want to remember my husband when I see yet another guy RUN in the other direction when he see's me (yes, this has happened to me). What in the WORLD did I do?? I honestly have no idea. I don't have to DO anything. Seems all I have to do is LOOK at guys wrong and they seem to freak out and the other way. Anyway, I want to remember my husband and be glad that I'm going home to him. I'm constantly wondering where this guy is, so I can't help but "look" for him (something I better quit doing because it sends out the wrong "vibe," and guys can sense this, I guess, I don't know.
Besides, I'm no good at going through all the crap: is somebody available, are they not? If they're not, why don't they tell people about their significant other right away? The comparison's to other people, the innuendo's, the implications, the supposed "power" women have over men to move them in certain directions. I used to believe I had that power (whatever the heck it is.). Now, I'm not so sure I care. I'm an attractive, single woman who's worried that she ends up leading men in the wrong direction just by being herself! Great. This makes me feel sooooooo much better than the idea of being happy with the right guy! Good grief! So, I don't dress provocatively, and many people would tell me that this is my problem. What can I say, I like my clothes to cover me properly, and my glance to be modest... but even with all of this, I can tell when a guy is struggling around me... and I hate it. Now, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my fort with my OREOS and milk!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)