I honestly don't think God will ever let me get married. If this is the case, then I wish I could learn to just be content on my own and be through with it. My pastor's wife used to say: " If you've got the desire to be married, then you're supposed to be married."
I used to believe this is true but I don't anymore. I've had a deep desire to be married from the time I was a small child. I've prayed, and hoped, and dreamed, and prayed and hoped and dreamed... I've cried out to God, gotten angry with him even. Repented...prayed hoped and dreamed som more. Cried some more...felt guilty for having the wrong attitude...prayed about it again and watched God reveal a terrible anger I did not even think was still in there. Felt guilty again, repented, started over...laid it down and told God his ways are best, while watching the desire well up inside me again, and wondering if God just left the building or something.
He'll never leave me nor forsake me, so this isn't possible; sometimes I would just think that feeling was going to choke me. I seem to feel myself getting older everyday...almost as if I'm mourning the loss of something I've never had. If I'm not supposed to ever be married, I wish God would just tell me because the suspense is killing me. I always thought that if I were not supposed to get married, then I would simply not have the desire to be. I would WANT to be single MORE than I wanted to be with someone. Nope. This is not what's happened at all. I want to be with someone badly, and I feel as if I'm being forced to see my friends all get married (or at least, get into a relationship)... but it has never happened for me. Nothing but a bunch of false hopes and dead ends and misleading scenarios. I think I'm supposed to be single, but the desire to be married has never left me. I've even tried to FORCE myself to be accepting of it (if it be God's will)' which I've found does not work either. I find that I must give into the "hope" that marriage will happen because this is the way God has made me. But it now just seems to too painful, and not worth it. It seems like the more I hope for it, pray about it, cry about it, the more this thing called marriage eludes me. There have been times when I've even asked God if he's put a curse on me, or if I'm being punished.
Is he angry with me for something? What's worse is, He seems to WANT me to be on this roller coaster and FEEL this pain, and see what a brat I can be, when I don't get my way. Well when you've been this confused, for this long, it's bound to make you go crazy sometimes, that's all I can say. It's almost like he's doing everything he can to show me that I am completely inelligeable for the very desire he's placed within me. Possibly. The thing is...I don't remember ever arguing with him about this. If I ever do get married, it will because God made it happen...not me! I don't know whether I don't REALLY believe this or what. Am I too self-sufficient? Have events of my life so damaged me that marriage is not possible now?
I keep wondering whether this is God's way of having me "share" in his suffering...does his breaking my heart keep "binding" me to him? I'm afraid sometimes that the "desire" will never go away, because God doesn't want to lift it. Why should he, when it drives me to my knees so well? This seems cruel and unfair to me. I mean, who am I to be talking about "fair"? I didn't go to a cross right? I'm not near as good as I think I am...it's just more than I can bear sometimes. (yes, it IS more than I can bear). These are things no one tells you about, when you first become his child. It seems God's played some awful trick on me and now he expects me to be grateful for it. What do I do? I mean, who knows, maybe someone else might need to read this or something. How does one keep saying "Gods will be done" when it keeps hurting them? I keep using Hannah's story as an example of how she suffered greatly, but God used her suffering to lead her to her victory. I'm tired now. I'm now well acquainted with the suffering and disappointment, but have yet to see the victory. I know God has dealt bountifully with me and been so much better to me then I will ever deserve...I just had no clue it would hurt like this.
